I’m reading this Russian author Chekhov who has a very interesting writing style. Known as a great short story writer, he’s very much interested in particular situations, moments and people rather than universal themes (or maybe particular moments are how he explores universal themes).
In one story called “the death of a clerk,” a clerk sneezes on a general at the theater, who promptly and instinctively forgives the clerk. But the clerk cannot bear to forgive himself. The clerk worries endlessly and anxiously (and without justification) about the general’s forgiveness and becomes bizarrely obsessed with the possibility that the general holds a secret grudge against him. So the clerk again and again visits the general’s office to seek forgiveness, which, every time the general forgives him without a second thought. Eventually, the general, after several visits from the clerk, gets annoyed and, in a rage, orders the clerk out. What begin as a minor social faux pas grew into something shout-worthy. And not because the initial mistake was great but because the fixated man could not let it go, which, in my experience is sometimes very hard.
But I guess also, there’s another lesson here: it’s not just about seeking the understanding of another: it’s about forgiving ourselves, and what happens if we just can’t let ourselves be forgiven and to let go of something we wished we wouldn’t have done. Easier said than done I guess. And also, fixating is hard to break out of sometimes.
Bearer of Pity 